Chapter 6
December 2, 2007….The First Sign, The First Service
On Sunday morning, the day of Red’s service in northern Florida, I walked out to my living room after doing my yoga. My son was sleeping on the couch so I was trying to be very quiet with my sniffles. I looked out the window and prayed, “God, I know he is ok. I believe in eternity with you, but, could you please give me a sign?”
The sun was just coming up over the trees by the pond and as I continued to watch its ascent a blue heron flew directly through my vision piercing the sun with its flight.
Native American’s believe each animal which comes into our lives has a distinct meaning. The Indian totem for the heron is self-realization; a sign of the deepest understanding. I smiled and realized either God, or Red, had answered my prayer. He was telling me, very clearly, he understands now. He is at peace now. He is ok.
While my sister and son were waking on Sunday morning, I busied myself gathering all the photos I could find, preparing for his first service in Cross City, Florida.
When we arrived at the funeral home I gave the man in charge my husband’s original CD, “Red’s Acoustic Adventures.” This was the music I wanted them to play during our time in their church.
We were ushered into a waiting room and worked on putting our picture display together while we waited until it was our turn in the church. We would all meet and cry and talk about Lawrence Aaron ‘Red’ Seidman.
After the ‘1 o’clock grieving family’ left it was our turn and our family members began showing up. I watched the people leaving and thought about how many people around the world were grieving over a loved one they were saying good bye to today. I was so thankful I believed death was just a door to something else. I also knew I was still in shock and I wondered if everyone else who was grieving was in shock too.
Red’s music was playing and it was so hard to hold myself together. This was beginning to be real. We placed his favorite golf club, his passport, the guitar he was building, and a few photos on the stage so his family could see and feel his essence.
There were hugs, tears, introductions, and then, finally, it was time to begin. I asked the man in charge to turn the music down a little so we could hear each speaker more easily.
My husband’s father walked up to the podium and spoke for a few minutes about his son, about how happy Larry was playing music and living his life with his wife, Diane. He mentioned we had been separated shortly and how everyone in the family had rejoiced when we got back together, especially Red. I was surprised and pleased when he mentioned Red had died, with his boots on, so to speak, and that most men only dream of going that way.
He then invited others to get up and speak. We decided to keep Red’s service very informal and anyone who wanted to say something would be able to do so. I had tried to locate a Jewish rabbi but on such short notice there were none available.
His sister spoke for a few minutes and said God must have needed a good fiddle player. His brother spoke for a few minutes and then they offered the floor to anyone else.
One of my friend’s daughters got up and read a beautiful poem about someone celebrating their wedding anniversary after their spouse had passed by wearing their deceased loved one’s tee shirt. I realized I would be doing the same thing on the upcoming holidays, our anniversary, his birthday, etc. The tears rolled down my face realizing I would be the sad woman in the poem.
Then it was my turn. I got out of my seat and started to walk towards the pulpit and couldn’t make my feet go up the steps. I turned and looked at everyone and said, “I want to stay down here with you. Is that ok?”
Everyone nodded or said, “Yes, of course.” As I write this, I realize, they had no choice. I couldn’t have made it up the steps anyway.
I read from my prepared speech. I started by telling them one of the reasons Red had married me was because I was a strong woman and I would do my best to say what I wanted to tell them.
I smiled and said another reason Red married me was because I was a contractor. He used to joke about the fact he was going to hire me to build a house for him but figured it would be cheaper to marry me.
We were known in the Keys as “Rock and Roll’s most beautiful couple,” which was strange cause Red didn’t play much rock and roll. He composed and played everything else.
I told them the music they were listening to was his original music from his 3rd CD.
I told them when Red was on stage everyone loved it. I couldn’t count the number of times strangers would come up to me and tell me he was the best entertainer they’d ever seen.
Red love to tell stories of his travels and I never got tired of listening to his stories or hearing him play.
I shared with them I felt we had spent so much time apart it was going to take a long time for me to realize he wasn’t coming back this time.
I also told them whenever he went away I would always tell him to play pretty for me and ended my speech by saying, “So, Honey, play pretty for me.”
I choked out the last words. Thank God I hadn’t written anymore because not only could I not speak any longer I wasn’t sure I could stand any longer either. I walked back over to my seat between my sister and my son and cried while his father got up and started a prayer. When he couldn’t finish Red’s sister took over for him.
Then Red’s father apologized for not being able to finish and told everyone we were going to caravan to a restaurant to celebrate his son’s life.
I took apart the display and my sister and my son helped me load Red’s belongings in to the car. I knew I would have to do this at his other services but knew I wouldn’t have to speak at the other ones. There would be plenty of people singing my husband’s praises and I wouldn’t have to unless I chose to.
After everything was cleaned up we went out to the parking lot.
I shared the morning’s miraculous heron story with several people standing around Dr. Susan’s car. I told them I had asked God for a sign and I believed the heron appearing at sunrise was telling me Red was ok.
They smiled and said it was a good sign. They were glad I had seen it. A few of them were as amazed as I was and I am sure a few were just being kind and saying what they thought I wanted to hear. It still made me feel good to tell them and have them support me in my beliefs.
Of course I live on a lake so it is not uncommon for a heron to fly across the sunrise but I chose to take it as a sign. After all I had been standing there asking God for a sign and the bird appeared.
When I was done with my story we all turned to walk to our cars to head for the restaurant. All of a sudden, my son, Joshua yelled, “Mom, look,” and pointed above my head. Several other people yelled, “Diane,” and I looked directly above me to see a heron attempting to land on a telephone wire. The poor bird couldn’t balance on the wire so he flew off leaving a parking lot full of open-mouthed friends with goose bumps. This bird re-affirmed to all of us Red was at peace.
I believe the bird trying to land and flying off is rather like life. We come into it with a bit of difficulty, we live it so briefly and then we fly on to other things.
We caravanned to the restaurant and all dined at Petrellos after the service. I set up the computer and watched the missing DVD of Red performing with his partner Bruce at the Hogs Breath Saloon in Key West for the first time in several years.
The food was fabulous. The family was so impressed not only with the food but many of them watched the DVD, riveted to the computer screen, wide-eyed listening to every note. I remember one of his cousins saying, “We always meant to get down to the Keys to see him perform. Oh my God, he was so talented, we had no idea.”
I was so proud of my fiddle player.
Red’s sister sat by me and explained they believed he had visited them the previous evening. A wind blew through the hallway and papers flew and the scent of the cologne Red used to wear decades ago was evident. I believe she felt and smelt her brother and I wondered how long he would be around.
After dinner I showed my father-in-law which street to take to head back to Ocala. I had shared with him I hadn’t slept in days and he gave me a pill to help me sleep. He told me to take half of it and that it would help me feel that everything was alright and I would drift off easily. It had been over 72 hours since I had slept and even though I don’t believe in most medications I was thankful to hold this little pill in my hand.
My sister, my son and I got into my son’s car and we headed back to my home on the lake with Red’s sister and her family following close behind.
They came back to the house and looked over the 3 guitars I had and chose the Taylor, the most expensive one, to take with them. They left and we all went to bed. Even though I was exhausted I took a quarter of the little pill and went right to sleep.
The next morning Joshua cleaned out Red’s car while Julie and I ran errands. After we were done with business we drove to Shired Island, nearly ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere, but made it back to Cross City on a wing and a prayer.
That night, Monday, December 3rd, Joshua was lying on the floor in the living room watching the Patriots attempt to keep their winning streak going and I was ready to go to bed.
My sister Julie was standing in the hall and I was standing beside my bed and decided to attempt to go to sleep without the pill. I reached for the lamp beside my bed and my hands were about two inches away from it when the lights in the entire house shut off.
Surprised, I pulled my hand away and the lights turned back on. Then I reached to turn it off again and when my fingers were about two inches away from the light the electricity in the entire house shut off again. When I pulled my hand back the power turned back on.
I looked at my sister standing in the hall and by this time I was frightened of what was going to happen next. I reached for the light the third time to shut it off. Once again as soon as my fingers were about two inches away all the power shut off in the house and when I pulled my hand back the power turned back on.
Throughout this I was talking to my sister, expressing my surprise and disbelief. My son yelled from the living room, “Mom, whatever you are doing, stop it. I am trying to watch the Patriots’ game.”
I walked out into the living room in tears and lied on the floor beside my 28 year old son and told him what had been happening and wept like a baby.
Joshua told me, “Mom, it’s probably Red just letting you know he’s here watching over you. He loved you so much he would never do anything to hurt you.”
I knew he was right.
I watched a little of the game with him and got up to go to bed. This time when I reached for the lamp I asked Red to please stop scaring me. It was nice to know he was here but it would also be nice if he didn’t scare me. The light stayed on until I turned it off and the rest of the power stayed on in the house.
I climbed into bed and slept for a few hours and had my first dream about Red.
We were in the bathtub. We used to take baths together whenever we had the time facing each other and laughing and talking and sipping on wine usually in candlelight under the sky light window in our home in Georgia. Occasionally we would sit in the bathtub at The Cypress House but the one in Georgia is a Jacuzzi tub and the jets are much more fun.
In the dream he was lying down on his back in the water and I was lying down on top of him face up with my face just out of the water. I lied there for a little while. It’s hard to know how long things take in dreams. Then I sat up on his chest.
I looked down at him and he just lied there under the water not moving at all so I got up and left him there.
I am told dreams are generally quite symbolic. I have come to determine in this dream my soul and body realized I had to leave him there wherever “there” is and go on. Of course, it is going to take some time to convince my mind of that but I am working on it.
Joshua and Julie left on Tuesday morning and I planned on driving to Atlanta on Wednesday so I felt comfortable staying one night in the house alone. Before they left my sister encouraged me to book my ticket for Christmas. I had found an email in Red’s email box informing him he had 28,000 frequent flyer miles and decided to use them to go to New England for the holidays. There was no sense in staying home alone. Besides, The Cypress House was rented for the entire month of January and I would need a place to stay. I wouldn’t be going to the Keys with Red so why not book a trip home for the holidays.
My family and friends told me they were uncomfortable with me staying in the house my husband had just died in. I told them it was my house and I have always been a very strong woman and they had nothing to worry about. If I felt I couldn’t stand it I could just grab my toothbrush and drive to Dr. Susan’s.
Besides, I had a list a mile long to accomplish. First thing after my sister and son left was to go pick up Red’s ashes at the funeral parlor. It seemed very strange to have him sitting in the passenger seat. When I got home I took out the plastic bag to see what his ashes looked liked. I cried and took him into the bathroom and put him on the scale he carried with him on the road. He weighed 11 pounds. Hmmm, I had just picked up 11 copies of his death certificate at 11 dollars a piece and his ashes weighed 11 pounds.
Time to put him back into his box and finish packing for Georgia.
Quite honestly as I write these words I do not remember that first day and night by myself. All I remember is I was very sure I would be fine.
I also remember cleaning the house a bit knowing when I came back from Georgia I would be hitting the road for the Keys to do the ceremonies there. I packed my bags intending on staying just a couple of days and I took another quarter of that little pill to help me sleep. I went to bed trying not to let the video of my sweetheart’s death in that very spot run through my head.
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