Diane's Detox...Let's Heal

November 30, 2007, 12:12am………Red’s Exit; Stage Left

What I had been dreading, what I had occasionally envisioned, and spoken of to my closest friends and family was happening.

This man, who had come into the movie of my life so abruptly, while I was on my way to the ashram to serve God, was exiting even more quickly than he had appeared. Now it was his turn to change the script and leave me, alone. I felt his Spirit fall through me. It felt like the Spirit of the bird I had hit with my truck and killed just a few weeks before.

I threw his body off of me screaming his name. I began CPR pushing on his sternum rhythmically and looking at his half-closed, expressionless eyes. I knew he was already gone as with the first push his urine squirted on me. I remember being with a friend’s dog who died and had eliminated immediately. Oh my God this wasn’t really happening. Maybe I could help bring him back.

I ran and grabbed my cell phone which was in the living room and fortunately still on. I wouldn’t have to wait for it to power up. I knew every second counted.

The time was 12:12am and I dialed 911 wondering if they would be able to transfer me. I have a 305 area code and I was in the 352 area code. I blew into his mouth his chest rose. His airway was clear.

I listened to the woman on the other end of the phone while I breathed for him again and watched his chest rise and explained to her I needed someone in the 352 area code. She asked what county I was in and I answered Dixie County. She connected me immediately.

I was crying and counting and pushing on his chest when Dixie County emergency came on the line. I gave them my physical address and explained I lived near the boat ramp. They were on their way.

I was checking the position of his head and my hands and counting and pushing and crying. I was working on him in total disbelief. I picked up my phone and cried to the woman, I knew he was gone but I was going to keep trying. She was encouraging me to keep doing CPR and the crew would be there any moment.

I remember seeing the lights of the emergency crews appear in the yard and hung up the phone at 12:21am. I remember thinking what a great response time and ran to open the front door. I put on a dress I found on the floor and ran back to Red’s body.

The ambulance crew yelled in the door and I called to them and told them I was in the back. They dashed in and asked how long he had been out. I told them I’d called 911 seconds after he collapsed at 12:12am.

They checked their watches, grabbed him and pulled him onto the floor. I asked if I should have done that and they said no. It was just to allow them room to work on him.

They asked if he had any health problems and I answered no.

The woman started CPR and I asked if there was anything I could do to help. She said I could continue with the CPR while they set up their equipment. I took her place and as she opened up her bag she watched me and told me I was doing a good job and to keep it up.

I turned my head as they put the tube into his mouth and down his throat. He wasn’t gagging, and I was trying not to, and they asked me to stop CPR. They were going to start an IV with a solution to try to bring him back.

I positioned myself so I could hold his hand and I watched them do their job. I threw a tee shirt over his private parts and giggled nervously and said, “He’d appreciate that. He’s shy.” The tee shirt had a heart on it and said LOVE, and somehow, that was appropriate. I was trying not to cry too loudly. I didn’t want to distract them.

I whimpered while they worked on him and other emergency crew people appeared in the doorway. I was sitting inside my closet and realized my husband’s hand was growing cold.

I said, “His hand is getting cold. He’s never cold.” My Red was never cold. He was always there to warm me up.

After several minutes and 4 bags of different liquids I heard them say, they were so sorry. There was nothing they could do. He was gone.

I was aware of one of them walking out of the room and trying to make a call on their cell phone. The other stayed with me and watched as I sobbed in disbelief, holding my dead husband’s hand, putting my head on his chest one last time.

I wondered if his spirit was floating around the room, watching in disbelief too. I told him I was so sorry I couldn’t save him and that I loved him so. I told him he would be ok and tried to comfort his spirit.

I came back to reality when I realized they were all trying to call out on their cell phones unsuccessfully. There was no service. I realized I wasn’t doing Red or myself any good sitting there sobbing, talking to the air. I dropped his cold hand. I couldn’t bear to look at his half opened eyes anymore either. It was just a body laying there which his soul used to live in. He wasn’t here any more and there was nothing I could do about it.

I walked out into the living room where the other emergency crew people were still trying to call out on their cell phones. No one had any service and did not understand why. They asked if I had a land line and what funeral home would I like him to go to. I asked if there were any in Dixie County. “Only one,” they answered.

I unplugged the phone line to my computer and plugged it into the telephone and said the local one would be fine. I guessed we would have his service here. His parents were only an hour away and this was my home.

They explained there would have to be an autopsy because he’d had no history of ill health. He would have to be taken to Gainesville. The funeral parlor would transport him and then bring him back and do whatever I asked them to do with his body. The director of the funeral home was on his way.

I remember thinking and then saying I wasn’t decent in my house dress and they said I was fine. I was standing next to a chair with Red’s shirt draped over the back. I put it on over my dress as the funeral parlor owner arrived. He came in and introduced himself and I shook the hand of the man who owned the only funeral parlor in Dixie County.

They asked if there was a place I could sit where I wouldn’t have to watch them remove the body. I looked at the woman who had tried to save my husband’s life and asked her if she would come with me to the spare bedroom. I didn’t want to be alone.

She agreed and walked back with me. I glanced in to my bedroom long enough to see the shape of my husband’s body under the white sheet. I kept telling myself, “He’s gone, Diane. That isn’t him. He’s gone.”

We entered the spare bedroom and shut the door and I began telling her about my husband and what a great musician he was.

We listened to them struggle with the body. I told her I knew how hard it was to move around ‘dead’ weight. I had worked for a quadriplegic for 9 years and there’s nothing heavier than someone who cannot move and Red definitely could not move.

I tried to laugh, nervously, and talk over the noise of their actions. Within minutes they knocked on the door and said I could come out. I looked in to the bedroom and could see the impression his body had made in the carpet and smelt a funky odor. That is what death smells like. I remembered it from the dead dog and the dead boss I’d been with who had died from a heart attack back in 1980. I guess those two instances had somewhat prepared me for what happened today, November 30, 2007.

Once the hearse left the yard, they asked me who I could call to come and stay with me and I told them I would be alright. I didn’t need anyone. They insisted I call someone, and thank God they did. There are just some times one shouldn’t be alone.

I called my friend and acupuncture physician, Dr. Susan, and fortunately she answered her cell phone at 1:21am. When I heard her sleepy, “Hello,” I apologized for waking her and explained that Red had died of a heart attack and asked if she would please come over and stay with me as the emergency crew said I should not be alone. She, too, was in total
disbelief, but would be there as soon as possible.

What had seemed like hours of agony had only been one hour of my life. That hour replays over and over in my head like a bad movie, a nightmare. Kriya Yoga teaches one to sit outside oneself and watch as though we are “The One” watching. I think I handled myself as well as anyone could have, crying and joking nervously and crying some more.

They explained there was a sheriff who needed to ask me some questions and asked if it was okay for him to come in now. “Of course,” was my immediate answer.

He asked for social security numbers and phone numbers and date of birth and time of death and what we had done before my husband had died. I told him we had not had anything to drink for 3 days, that we had shared a small bottle of wine and asked the people in the room if that could have killed him?

Everyone in the room answered simultaneously, “No.”

I guess that made me feel better, but I’d heard of artists who had been heavy drinkers for years, who quit drinking and then abruptly died. Jerry Garcia was one of my husband’s favorite entertainers and I believe he died shortly after he cleaned up his act following years of abuse to his body. I remember thinking, “If we don’t take care of our bodies, we won’t have any place to live. I wonder where Red is now. Was he with Jerry?”

While the emergency crew and I sat on the deck in the starlit night waiting for Dr. Susan I talked about the wonderful man my husband was; how he’d won the Florida Fiddler’s contest several years in a row and how he always had a smile from ear to ear on his face, especially while he was on stage. He always said, “If you love your work you never have to work a day in your life.” I guess I wanted them to know he was more than just a dead body on the way to the morgue. I also wanted to talk and not think about what would happen next.

Dr. Susan arrived and spoke to the 2 people who remained from the ambulance crew about what they had done. She’d been an RN for 35+ years in trauma centers and understood everything they had done.

Once they left she gave me a pill explaining it was a Chinese herb to help with the heart shock I had just experienced.

She suggested I call his family. At first I said there was nothing they could do this time of the night, why didn’t I wait till the morning? She said I needed to call them now. She was right. I remembered the phone call I had to make to my friends who were on vacation when their dog had died and how badly I felt then. I felt badly now breaking the news of their loss to his mother, father, sister and brother.

I tried his parents’ home phone. I knew they had just moved to a new home in Ocala and were experiencing phone line problems, as Red and I had had difficulty during the day yesterday trying to reach them. We were supposed to have breakfast with them in the morning on our way to Key West.

When I couldn’t get through I called their cell phones and left a message for them to call me as soon as they could trying not to sound as though their son had just died.

I looked for Red’s brother’s phone number and dialed it knowing he would probably be up at 2am. He worked on the Internet and this was in the middle of his work day as it was a quiet time on line. He is also a musician and used to keeping late hours.

When I got him on the line, he asked how I was doing and I said not very well, but I was doing better than his brother. He had had a heart attack about an hour ago and was gone.

“What, Larry’s gone?” he screamed in disbelief over and over. “Have you called Mom and
Dad?” I told him I had tried them but couldn’t get through. He asked if I had called his sister. I said I hadn’t. His was the first phone number I had found. He said he would get her on the phone and call me back.

He did, we talked, we cried and we talked some more. They said they would take care of getting in touch with their parents. His sister told me she would be booking a flight for the next day and I should have the service on Sunday.

I hoped it would be possible and said I would do my best. There was nothing else to talk about so we hung up.

Once I had made the phone calls to his family Dr. Susan explained she was disappointed she hadn’t gotten there before they had taken Red’s body away. She said she wanted to make sure his spirit was gone. She had been able to see spirits since she was a child and believed she could help him understand he was dead.

Apparently, according to people who understand the life after life concept, often times when someone leaves this world abruptly and unexpectedly the way Red did they don’t realize what has happened and need help in moving on.

I cried, we talked and I cried some more and told her I realized I was in a state of shock.

We brewed some chamomile tea and the pot lid kept jumping and moving on the stove. We both knew it was Red but said nothing. She later told me she had felt his presence throughout the night and we both heard unexplained noises but made no comment.

I asked her if she would help me strip the bed where Red had died. I realized I was going to have financial difficulties. I had to clean things up so I could use them again. I started a load of laundry and wiped the mattress off with vinegar and water even though there was nothing there. I turned the fan on to make sure it would dry completely. We could flip it over in the morning.

I lit some sage and cleansed the house not necessarily wanting his spirit to leave but wanting the smell of decay to be gone.

I told her I would lie down in the spare bedroom while she slept on the couch and she agreed. After a while I could hear her snoring and it made me feel better. At least she would be able to get some sleep. I lied in the bed for a couple of hours but sleep was out of the question.