Diane's Detox...Let's Heal

June 12, 2008…………Way Up Upon the Suwannee

I am not writing as much in my journal as I used to; hoping it would help me create my new life. I have good days and I have bad days. I can honestly say a day doesn’t go by I don’t think about my late husband. I have been told when you love someone the way I loved Red that is just the way it is.

I kept having the most interesting coincidences though, like this morning when I went to Riverside Garage and had them rotate the tires on my truck. I usually take my bicycle and ride home but decided to sit and talk to the girl behind the counter today.

She had helped me sell Red’s car.

A friend of hers stopped by to visit. She turned out to be my neighbor and lived at the end of my street. We talked for awhile and I told her she should walk down some time and see the pond. She was surprised to find out there was a pond on my street and held out her hand to introduce herself. She said, “My name is Diane.”

I smiled and told her that was my name too. We laughed and talked a little longer.

I told her my husband had had a heart attack in November and she couldn’t believe it. Her husband had had a heart attack in November too. His son had died the month before and she was certain her husband’s heart attack was the result of a broken heart. The only difference between her and I was her husband had survived.

I went home after my truck was done and decided to open the file I had in AOL called “Red Letters.” They were the emails we had written to each other from September 27, 2007 through November 29, 2007. I had jokingly told him, when he was alive, I was saving the letters to send to him, when/if things went bad between us again, to remind him how much he loved me and how he now admitted HE had anger issues he needed to address.

I read each one as I saved them to the hard drive of my computer; beginning with an email written October 1, 2007 and ending with an email he had written a few days before he died. I relived the sadness and pain of my having to leave him, the happiness of our being back together and the passionate love we shared. I am so glad The Universe had me save them all.

When I wrote this first email on October 1^st I was still trying to be very positive about our relationship. I was truly hoping for the best but perhaps preparing for the worst.

Diane to Red, October 1, 2007

just in case you get on line...
i love you- and i was so pleased to see your email...thank you.
you know how much it means to me... contact, contact, contact...
phone, email, in person is the best-but i will take and love whatever i can get.
love, me

Diane to Red, October 7, 2007

red, i am not sure when you will get this,

probably when you get online at the house tomorrow.

i am not going to write a lot now, i am tired.

i was so hoping to spend some time with you this week,

to sort through how i really felt, but the way things went down with you today-

i knew i was done trying. it shouldn't be this hard.

it isn't your fault, it isn't my fault.

i do not regret the last 9 years of my life.

i am sorry you feel as though you wasted your time with me.

i am not going to say anything bad about you to anyone,

and i do love you.

i hope we can get through the business part of this with mutual respect.

i assume email will be the best way to stay in touch.

love, diane 

The following email was Red’s answer to an email I had sent him on October 1 he found a week after I had written it. I think when he wrote this email he probably realized how he was online nearly every day he was away from me, yet ignored my emails, or maybe never saw them. I used to laugh and ask him to throw me a crumb now and then. “Just hit reply and say ‘got it,’” was what I would tell him, it would be proper net-iquette and keep me happy.

Diane to Red, October 9

so glad you got enough water for a shower- and i am glad you enjoyed your gift.
when i turned to find a place to put it - i laughed when i saw the book-taming wild horses... and i laughed even harder when i left the message on your voicemail,
we were just both trying to tame wild horses of a different color...and it didn't work.
i am so appreciative of the time i spent with you, red. i will always love you.
but would never dare to try again with you because we have tried so many times and it hurts too badly now. the thought of it makes my whole side ache.
so having said that- i really do want to be your friend.
and i am sorry you didn't take me up on the last fling at the house-
you never like my ideas, silly man. and you aren't old.
i have been so proud of the way you look with your long hair,
your trimmer body and you definitely smile more now than you did in the tequila days.
and i have grown alot-more than you'll ever understand.
don't worry about getting on line-we can both be online at the same time with the new AOL. i'll write some about finances as soon as i can get it all together-
the dial up has been slow this evening. but-this is the important part.
i mailed my check for $500 to the reddisetgo account.
you said you were going to deposit $600 on the way out of town.
i have another $248 from last week's work and god sent us a gift in the mail,
we got a $310 check from a refund on our insurance overpayment.
i can leave both of those checks on the table, signed for you to deposit when you get back to the keys. let me think about meeting you on wed or thursday for lunch, please.
my first thought is tears streaming down my cheeks-and shaking,

and my second thought is, it would be nice-so i promise to let you know.
if you want to be at the cypress house this week, let me know.
later, love, diane

The email correspondence between Red and I from October 10^th through November 17^th are at the end of this book. We spoke honestly about so many things and never stopped loving each other.

Then, finally, I softened and asked him back into my world. Thankfully, we enjoyed the last days of his life in each others arms.

Diane to Red, Sun, 18 Nov 2007 7:21 am
Subject: i love you

i love you and forever works perfectly for me. sailing or walking or anything we want to do together-we can even do our morning exercises together, but, as always, i love you and I love going with you anywhere, doing anything the islands with the calverts sounds wonderful-besides, going to georgia will be cold and possibly dry. i know we would keep each other warm but we have to get out of bed sometime:) ok-i have a house to clean, deviled eggs to make, a truck to pack, an event to run, a long drive, some sleep, then a short drive...and the most important thing of all is what will be at the end of the short drive tomorrow, the love of my life. thank you for being my husband, i love you.
(oops-i think i forgot to stir the sauce:)
good luck making the guitar play easier... and i can't wait to see you TOMORROW !
love, your devoted wife, forever, me:)

The 28^th and 29^th of November, the last 2 days of his life we emailed each other a couple of times, lovingly, about very personal fun fantasies we were looking forward to sharing. Some things are just meant to be kept secret.

Moving all those emails from our three email accounts to my journal and keeping them in chronological order made me read each and every one again and again. I relived the end of his life here on earth. Putting them in this book allows me to share with others how much we loved each other and what a tender, wonderful man he was. I believe he wants me to share all of it with the world because it just might help someone else understand themselves a little better. I believe he made realizations towards the end of his life which helped his soul progress exponentially.

Reading these emails also gives you a glimpse of what life on the road can be like. We used to laugh and say after a 12 hour drive to a gig or to be at our home, “It isn’t easy being us!”

Reading through the emails made me smile and made me cry tears of sadness and brought him closer to me. That is a good feeling.

It is okay to immerse myself in his memories occasionally as long as I don’t make it my sole journey. No, I prefer the soul journey and I am learning so much as I go. I have a whole world to help heal.