I felt better every day and so very thankful for my life. When Red had died unexpectedly it brought the reality of how quickly one can exit this world into my vision. One second we are alive and the next second we are not. When I was lying on the couch with the room swirling around me thinking I might die, I realized I could leave this earth in a moment just like Red had. I promised myself I would never forget what it was like to wonder if I was going to wake up in the morning. I know we are all going to die someday but when you feel like you are on your way out, the finality of this life time makes you think of all the things you were going to do.
I wonder if Red regrets not having finished his list of things to do. I wonder if he understands how lucky he was to have done so many things in his brief 51 years. I think he probably understands better than I do about a lot of things now. I believe he is part of The Universe, The Collective Consciousness, and is helping me more every day.
Not only was the spider bite teaching me how to do nothing it must have shocked my heart into working properly again. When Dr. Susan checked my blood pressure yesterday it 118/78, normal for the first time since Red had died. My blood pressure had been 120/80 throughout my entire lifetime, until his death, when it was 80/54. She explained it was due to the trauma of the heart shock I had suffered. Perhaps this spider was sent to me to bite me not only to teach me how to relax but to shock me into thinking more about me and my life than focusing on the life lost with my husband, and to get my heart pumping again.
Red came to me in a dream last night. He kept telling me to go to the mountain and reclaim our belongings insisting I needed to get up there NOW. I wondered if the neighbors had taken more than just the amplifiers I had asked them to sell for me. I was trying to put it out of my mind but I had a sick feeling in my gut this wasn’t something I could just forget. It was something I needed to act upon now.
I got online to pass a little time before Polly came upstairs for breakfast. I opened an email from my psychic friend and it said he had done a tarot card reading for me that morning and it showed a trip for me in the next few days. Hmmm, maybe I really did need to get up to my house and check it out.
When Polly came through the door she announced, “I have to go to Atlanta. My mother is having surgery next week and she wants to meet up with me before she goes into the hospital. I think I will head out tomorrow. Are you planning on going to your house in Georgia anytime soon? I’d love to spend some time there.”
“Let me see if Rainey can fly up to help clean and we can make a girls’ weekend out of it. One last weekend for old time’s sake!” I told her. I would leave my decision in the hands of The Universe.
I called Rainey and was happy to reach her before she’d started her busy work day, “Do you want to fly to Atlanta tomorrow for the weekend? I’ll pay for your ticket if you’ll help me clean out my house.”
She was looking for something to do to get her out of town for the weekend and this would be perfect. She’d book her flight and would call me back when she knew what time she would arrive in Atlanta. I told her the earliest I could get there would be about 3pm so she plan accordingly.
When things fall together this easily there’s no question in my mind it was supposed to happen. I was a little concerned about driving the distance by myself but Rainey was going to arrive late enough in the day I could take my time getting there and I would be fine. I had to be. Red’s messages were loud and clear I needed to get up there as soon as possible.
I awoke the next morning refreshed and ready for my trip. I packed enough so I could stay past the weekend and stop by the courthouse in Ellijay to sign papers my attorney said had to be signed in order to be sworn in as the Executor of the Estate of Lawrence Seidman. I hoped I would be able to stay in the house alone after my girlfriends left. I felt I would be okay after being there a couple of days with them. We’d be creating lots of laughter and good energy.
I stopped for gas and to eat my gourmet lunch left over form the last night’s dinner of wild Pacific Salmon, asparagus and wild rice. It was so good to be able to eat real food in tiny amounts again. I enjoyed every morsel. I also love to eat healthy foods while driving. I arrive with a lot more energy than the old traveling days with Red. Let’s see, when I traveled with Red we’d pack the cooler with beer and snacks and stop for fast food. Times certainly have changed.
Driving into Atlanta I realized I had miscalculated my arrival time. I was an hour early. Up over the next hill and around the bend and I would take 285 west and be at the airport in less than 20 minutes. Once over the hill I could see traffic was at a dead stop and I realized I didn’t have to worry about being at the airport early. Nine lanes of traffic not moving at all is a daily event in and around Atlanta. This “parking lot” of Atlanta pre-rush hour would keep me busy while Rainey’s plane approached. I would probably be right on time.
I drove into the airport as she called to let me know she had arrived and would be outside momentarily. I picked her up and we headed towards Patty’s and arrived at her house just minutes before she did. Timing seemed to be perfect today.
I took a nap while Rainey went to meet Benny the horse and give him a massage. I seem to be getting accustomed to my afternoon rejuvenating naps. Not such a bad thing.
We enjoyed Patty’s comfortable home all evening; eating dinner, watching TV and relaxing.
I slept extremely well that night and was up at the crack of dawn to do my morning devotions. I smiled when I saw the butterfly area carpet under my feet. I would have to ask Patty if that had been there when I had come up the first week of December immediately following Red’s death. I may not have noticed it then as I’d had a lot of things rushing through my mind. I was also unaware of the significance of the meaning of butterflies and the message of transformation they teach us.
Patty and I visited for a few hours, and yes, the butterfly carpet had been there for over a year. I just hadn‘t notice it.
Rainey was still sleeping at 11am and Patty asked if we should wake her up. “No,” I told her, “I’m not in any hurry. But I think it’s funny she is sleeping so late because she was quite adamant on the phone she did not want to spend the morning in Atlanta. She wanted to get up to the mountain as soon as possible, since she was only going to be here for a couple of days.”
When Rainey finally came into the kitchen at 11:30am she was amazed at the late hour and apologized profusely. I told her not to worry, we were in no rush. I was glad she had slept in. Sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to do just that.
Driving to the mountain didn’t have the same excitement it used to have when I came home with Red. Whenever we drove up here in the past we were returning to something we had built together. I think, if I need to sell it, it won’t be too difficult. Of course, with the real estate market the way it is, it would probably be awhile before I would be able to sell it, so I would have time to get used to the idea of walking away from it. Funny thing, after seeing the first two houses I’d built in Maine with my first two husbands I realize they are just structures, just possessions that come and go in our lives. The memories are preserved in the thousands of photos and in my mind and heart. Besides, I can always build another house.
When we arrived at the A frame and saw the pile of belongings on the porch I realized my dreams of Red telling me to get up here were most definitely messages from the other dimension. When I had left the house in December, not knowing whether I would ever go back there or not, I had taken everything of monetary and emotional value and had left piles of things to take to Goodwill inside.
What I saw outside on my porch was piles of Red’s personal items covered in mildew and mold. The house looked like it had been ransacked and many things I had left at the home were missing.
Ammunition, telephones, light bulbs, the guitar Red had built, computer printer, banjoes, and the airplane propeller were just a few of the things I noticed were gone.
I was disgusted but not surprised. I would be talking to the neighbors about the missing items but I was trying not to get upset. I was glad I’d come now and that I’d done so unannounced. At least they hadn’t had time to remove everything!
Rainey and I spent the day cleaning and visiting. I was so glad I had flown her up here. She needed the break as much as I needed her presence, not only for the physical help but the emotional support. We talked about the times she’d come up throughout the past 9 years and how strong Red’s energy was here now.
Polly called about 3pm to let us know she was nearly in Talking Rock. She just needed to go over the directions to the house. I am truly thankful for my girlfriends.
We worked awhile longer and Polly arrived just before dark. We had a fun dinner, a great evening visiting and I slept very well in my bed, alone. I looked out the skylight at the stars and thought of all the nights Red and I had lied there watching Orion rise and travel across the top of the house.
We all got up ready to tackle the task at hand and packed the truck with the first load for the dump. Rainey and I headed for the dump while Polly tackled the weeds.
Rainey and I unloaded our first load of boxes at the dump and headed back to fill the truck again. It felt good to get rid of the years of junk we had stored in our beautiful home. I remembered moving a lot of this stuff from the room Red had lived in when I met him, boxes that hadn’t been opened for nearly 20 years. After opening them briefly to see what was inside, I realized why he never checked their contents. There truly was nothing of value and I wondered why he‘d carried these things around with him. I guess he kept them for the same reason he kept all the letters I had ever written to him. He was a sweet, sentimental soul.
The Pickens County dump was pretty picky about what we were able to throw away there. I would have to come back on Monday to weigh the wicker furniture we were discarding and pay a fee. Good thing I had planned on staying a while longer.
When we got back to the house the front was entirely cleaned out of weeds and I was glad I was going to be staying a little longer. I really didn’t need to leave and there certainly was plenty of work to be done. I could clean the house and get it ready for perspective renters or perhaps buyers. Time would tell.
I kept hearing Red, quoting his father, saying, “Never run away from work” …of course, that used to refer to making money on the road buying instruments in pawn shops. This was different. This was work that had to be done to protect my best investment.
I felt a little excitement about being home. “Welcome home, honey,” I could hear Red saying, “I love you in Georgia.” I looked at Rainey and started to cry. We hugged each other and Polly joined in. Something crashed on one of the floors above. “Thanks for saying hi, Red,” Rainey said and we all laughed and talked about how strong his presence was here in the home he loved so much.
Polly left in the early afternoon hoping to make it to my Suwannee house by dark. She would spend a night or two there before heading to the Keys to visit friends. Rainey and I worked till late afternoon and we were exhausted. I took her to the airport and decided I could spend the night at Patty’s house in Atlanta. I’d gotten a lot done with the help of my friends and could return in a day or two. I was pleased I hadn’t had too many dizzy spells from the spider bite venom and felt stronger having accomplished so many important things. It wouldn’t hurt to rest for a couple of days. In fact, I needed to rest. Not only am I learning I need to rest, I am really learning to go with the flow and there is no reason to rush back to the work at the mountain.
After a couple of relaxing days at Patty’s, of being able to be online and having access to a landline to take care of business, I headed north deciding to stop in Ellijay at the courthouse before going to the house to be sworn in as Executor of the estate.
I drove into Ellijay and was so disappointed to see a pile of rubble where the old courthouse building used to stand. I drove around the block to what appeared to be the new courthouse and located the proper office. I was told the judge was only in on Thursdays so I made an appointment for Thursday and headed to the house in Talking Rock.
April Fools Day
Before I lost cell phone service I called my mother to tell her I was pregnant. I know, it’s a silly family tradition to call and say something foolish on April Fools Day, but we are a silly family and I like it. Besides, the thought of me being pregnant is about as foolish as I could get today. I remember, when we were kids, she would yell up to our bedrooms and say, “We had a lot of snow last night, there’s no school.” This would cause my sister and me to sigh happily, roll over and go back to sleep to dream of the snow forts we would build while Daddy shoveled the driveway. Then we would hear her laughingly add, “April Fools! Get up, breakfast is ready.”
Of course, living in Maine, I’ve made snow angels on Halloween and caught snow flakes on my tongue on my birthday, May 25th, so there were a couple of April 1sts when the yelling of the blizzard story was no April Fools joke.
This morning there was no snow in sight and no baby on the way, but, if someone had told me six months ago I would be emptying my Georgia house so someone else could live in it I would have accused them of telling a very bad April Fools joke.
I realized I was still going through the motions in complete disbelief. This should have been the weekend of our Spring Health Fair at The Center. I should be teaching yoga and nutrition to eager students not packing another truckload of memories.
I stopped at the neighbors to let them know I was back at the house and they invited me to come to dinner tomorrow. I accepted and tried not to think about how I was going to approach the subject of the missing items.
I drove up to the house and packed and cried and packed some more. It was definitely a lot more fun to be there with my friends. I decided to take a walk to the top of the mountain where I first laid Red’s ashes and see how he was doing. I have some great photos of him sitting on the rock he is now buried behind. It was one of his favorite places on earth. Mine too. When we sat there we felt as though we were on top of the world. We actually were on top of our world.
I realized it was quite a hike and I wasn’t as healthy as I was when I put his ashes there in December thanks to some silly spider. But it was a beautiful day and I would take my time. I would also take a shovel full of lemon balm to plant where his ashes were. He would like that.
The walk to the top of the mountain was inspirational. The air was so fresh and clean and the delicate buds on all the trees were that beautiful springtime-green color. I would do everything I could to keep this place and do my best not to stress over it.
After sitting with Red for awhile I headed back down the mountain to bring a few more loads down to the truck. I started filling the jetted bath while I carried one more load down the spiral staircase. I remembered the day we brought the tub home and installed it. We had gone in to Atlanta to buy a portable spa for the deck and found a discontinued jetted bath tub for $399 instead. Good memories.
Being here without him was not entirely strange to me. I came here often and spent days, weeks, even an entire month once, without him while he was playing and drinking in the Keys. I always had worthwhile things to do here when things got rough on the road.
What is strange is not being able to pick up the phone and call him; to have no text message saying he had gotten home safely after his gig; and to have no email waiting for me in my mailbox. It was getting easier to live without the things he added to my life, but I wondered if it would always seem strange.
What seemed even stranger would be having dinner with the neighbors’ tomorrow evening. I wondered if I would be able to talk to them about the things that were missing from the house. Red and I had always pretended to be good friends with them and I guess there was no reason for me to act any differently now. I decided to stop thinking, to go soak in the tub, to enjoy a good night’s sleep and deal with everything tomorrow.
April 2nd, Wednesday
After a day of cleaning I headed down the hill in my truck. I smiled thinking about the time Red and I had walked down to the neighbors’ for dinner, had a few Bombay Sapphire Martinis and stumbled back up our driveway. The neighbors had offered the use of their flashlight and we had declined it. After walking a few hundred yards in the pitch-black night we realized we were completely and totally lost. Sheepishly, we’d made our way back to their house within an hour and knocked on the door and asked to borrow their flashlight to find our way home.
Tonight they had invited a local doctor to dinner so the conversation would be more interesting than usual. I hoped they would be somewhat sober but that would be hoping for a lot. It was late in the day.
I got up the nerve to ask what had happened to the things that were missing from the house. The man of the house told me three times his buddies who had taken personal belongings from my home would be happy to bring back my stuff. I was glad to hear I would get the stuff back and found it amusing he kept bringing it up. I was very careful not to say anything I would regret and controlled my anger.
“All I really want back is the twelve string guitar Red built. The rest of the stuff has no value to me,” I told him, hating the fact I was lying to him. I really wanted the printer, the airplane propeller, the banjos and everything else he and his buddies had removed from my home, but it wasn’t worth causing an argument over. As my son told me, booze and bad judgment caused them to take things that didn’t belong to them, and I didn’t really need any of the stuff anyway.
The lady of the house walked out of their kitchen and said, “By the way, we are going to get your things back to you.”
“Thanks,” I smiled and pointed at her husband, “He just told me that, three times.”
The doctor, who had been listening to our conversation smiled at me and said, for my ears only,
“Great timing, Diane, and great delivery.”
“Thanks,” I chuckled back at him.
“Very funny,” the culprit said disgustedly. I looked into his blurry eyes and thought of how he had let his buddies into my home and helped them remove things that did not belong to them. I think I detected a bit of shame in his eyes. He knew what he had done was wrong.
His wife mistakenly thought the laughter was directed at her. When I tried to explain our little joke I realized she did not understand what was going on I gave up and decided to change the subject.
“Want to see my spider bite?” I asked them as I pulled my bandage off the bite-site. There’s nothing like an open wound to peak people’s interest and hopefully I would stir up a little compassion in them with my diversion.
They listened intently and were amazed with my story. As I was showing the wound to them I realized how the skin was beginning to heal relatively well but noticed a strange semi circle-thing appearing that looked sort of like a worm. I would have to have Dr. Susan take a look at it when I returned to the Suwannee. It looked like my wound was smiling at me.
After a little more forced conversation I excused myself and headed back up the dirt road to my house. I wondered what would happen with this property. Should I just sell it and say good bye to this mountain or should I try to keep it and build the retreat I had envisioned? Would the community of people living in cabins built into the side of the terrain, made of stone and trees from the very land on which they would stand ever come to realization?
I guess if I wanted it badly enough I could make it happen, but for now, I would just go with the flow. In a couple of days I would go in front of the judge to be sworn in as the Executor of Lawrence Aaron Seidman’s Estate and see what The Universe had planned for me.
I checked my bath water and looked around at the piles of books I was taking back to my home in Florida. I thought of my girlfriends who had so graciously joined me here to help me clean out years of stuff and how remarkably easy the plans had fallen together at the last minute.
I looked at the stacks of magazines that still needed to go to the dump and thought of how Red was never able to throw anything away. Twelve years of Golf Digest, Ameritrade reports, Cruising World and AOPA magazines. I smiled when I remembered calling AOPA after his death to ask them if he had a life insurance policy with them. Yes, his membership dues included a $10,000 life insurance policy but only if he died while flying. I could hear Red saying, “By the way, if I die, put me on a plane for an extra ten grand.” Bless his heart.
Last night, while I was feeling a chill in the air I actually burned some 30 year old checking account statements in the fireplace to keep the house warm. I had to be very careful in choosing what went into the flames though. Occasionally, I would turn over an old letter or bank statement and find lyrics to a song he had written. Sometimes papers were clearly marked, “words and music by L. Seidman,” those went into the “KEEPERS” pile. So, in a way, I am glad he never threw anything away. I was able to piece together his life story with bits and pieces of paper and I was keeping myself warm with the trash. There are no mistakes.
One of the letters I read saddened me thinking of how he must have felt when he’d received it. It was from a publishing company and said, “Really enjoyed listening to your songs but they are not what we are looking for at this present time.” How many artists’ dreams were crushed by those words?
How many great tunes were never heard because someone said, “Thanks, but no thanks?”
I carefully packed the more than fifty cassettes of Red playing music in the 1980’s and early 90’s. I would be listening to a lot of old country and rock and roll music he’d played to see if I could compile them into CDs for his fans to hear. Original songs he recorded along with cover tunes he played with a variety of bands might make a fun “Rockin’ Red CD” someday. Why not? They were just as good, perhaps better, than some of the songs I hear on the radio today.
RedsMusic.com will make a great web site name. I will have to check the domain registry to see if it is available the next time I am online.
Enough working, writing and thinking for one day, Diane. Your bath is ready.
NEXT CHAPTER